This week was time for my annual Cedar River pilgrimage. This is the third year now that I’ve made sure to head down there in October. The first time I ever did was on a total whim. It was nearly a year into the painful collapse of my marriage and while pursuing Buddhist teachings had certainly helped me cope with that situation I still found myself needing to get out and stay busy, particularly with relaxing outdoor activities. So what luck that the Seattle Aquarium calendar had the Cedar River Salmon Journey on it!
At the time I believe they were staffing 5 different locations with volunteers all at once, starting at the Renton library and continuing along the River. As soon as I got to the library I was greeted by a stand staffed with 3 or 4 volunteers — handing out glasses (polarized lenses cut reflections off the water so you can see into it better!), answering questions, and just generally sharing their infectious enthusiasm for the salmon’s journey. It was a really joyful experience, but the salmon were already past that spot so I think the most magical part of the experience was what greeted me inside.
For those that have not been to the Renton library it is in many ways just another library following the mold of modern King County libraries. This means high ceilings, lots of light from glass exterior walls, and an inviting layout that transitions from showcased available books at the front into public computers and stacks. And finally, when you arrive at the back, the real showpiece. The moment where if you didn’t know already you realize — that the entire library is built on top of the Cedar River and the back glass wall is a reading area with chairs looking out of the water. It’s a fairly unassuming bit of river, but it's still a striking experience.
I was absolutely in love. I’d brought with me A Study in Drowning, a gorgeous book by Ava Reid, which I proceeded to chew through in the most scenic and serene reading spot I’ve ever experienced. All the comfort of being inside on a cold autumn day with the tranquility of reading on the bank of a river.
It was the perfect storm. A beautiful and quiet moment where I went beyond what my Buddhist practice was providing me. I wasn’t just finding peace in the midst of pain I was finding joy and finding myself.
I proceeded to travel up to 4 other spots, meeting kind volunteers along the way, but I’d mostly arrived too late for the salmon, so the start at the library was the star of the show.
Last year I returned, finding more of myself. I vividly remember the photo I posted to Instagram of the book I was holding, looking out of the river. It was one of the first photos I posted with my painted fingernails. And it was a beautiful thermally reactive sage green, inspired by my love for the vtuber Ceres Fauna.
And this year what arc am I on? What will this year’s trip encapsulate in my memories? Perhaps nothing so formative as either of those moments. I think the theme right now is trying to settle into whatever “normal” and “healthy” looks like for me. I’ve had my year of divorce proceedings and I’ve had most of a year after that now, and… if I’m being honest with myself it has been a very reactive two years. Amazing years of finding myself, indulging my curiosities, going out of my comfort zone, and learning about my place in the world, but not at all grounded.
Having my marriage end in December of 2023 shocked me out of my budding Buddhist practices and saw me desperately keeping myself busy. Always going, always doing something to keep my mind busy or numb, chasing novelty and dopamine the way my unfettered ADHD brain wants to. I don’t at all blame myself for that, but it’s just not sustainable. I’m constantly sleep deprived, my attention is shattered by chasing hits of dopamine from mindless gaming, my apartment is a mess of unfinished projects and supplies for hobbies I haven’t even tried yet. I’m running on fumes.
So this year finds me looking for equilibrium. I’ve had my ups and downs and I want to reach stasis. I don’t know for sure what that looks like for me, but I know it involves slowing down and living more mindfully. And this years library journey was a perfect test of that. There was no volunteers at the locations I visited, there is no picturesque photo at most of them. It was just down to me to be there, experience it, and find my joy.
